People attend marriage counseling, or marriage conferences, for many different reasons. Some people attend for preventative maintenance because they still have the spark and they want to maintain it. Others have lost the spark and still, others are in-between, in danger of being indifferent.

I believe, without a doubt, that your marriage should be alive. And a marriage that has spark is a marriage that is alive.

You may remember the beginning of your relationship, the first few years of your marriage where the spark was there, it was very evident, and you couldn’t even imagine it fading. But it may, and you may not even see it happen.

Marriages can lose their spark for a variety of reasons, and it may help to look at successful marriages, ideal marriages, biblical marriage. Like Adam and Eve.

Since God created both man and woman in His image, and there was a spark, we know there is supposed to be. But, when they forgot who they were, they became disconnected from God and his ideal for them.

No matter what has happened in the past, it’s important to remember that God’s ideal for your marriage still exists. And we should each be working hard to strive for that ideal.

But, how do you live this? How do you have a marriage that is alive, and has the spark?

We get the spark back when we remember who we are.

When something goes wrong in your life, when you lose the spark in your marriage, it often begins a downward spiral. When you forget who you are, and whose you are, you become disconnected from God and eventually from your spouse. Reversing this is what helps you get the spark back.

Start with your relationship with God. There is another part of your marriage that is so, so important. You must take the time to reconnect with God, even before you reconnect with your spouse. If you’ve been listening to the enemy too long, you begin to believe the lie he tells you – that you’re not enough. But Jesus has revealed to us the truth.

Action Step: Read Romans 5.

Remember this, we are sons and daughters of Christ, who sacrificed everything for us. So He’s not going to give up on your marriage, so you shouldn’t either.

Everything in the ideal marriage is tied to Jesus first.

Jesus loves us, He put us first. We know this, but we often forget that this is how are to love each other. In Ephesians 5, we read “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

That means putting the other person first, it means sacrificial love, it means putting them above your wants and needs. And this is what God has in mind for us in an ideal marriage.

Remember, when you start to love Jesus better, you’ll begin loving your spouse better.

The key to God’s ideal marriage for you can be found in two easy steps:

  1. Reconnect with God.
  2. Reconnect with your spouse.

Reconnect with God.

The best way to reconnect with God is to spend time with Him. But sometimes that’s easier said than done. Start simple, start by reading scripture. Spend 15 minutes reading and reflecting. Add some time for prayer. Consider reading a devotional, either on your own, or with your spouse.

If you’re looking for a devotional to share with your spouse, consider Devotions for a Sacred Marriage.

Reconnect with your spouse.

Just like reconnecting with God requires time spent together, the same can be said for reconnecting with your spouse. The best way to do this is to plan time together daily, weekly, and monthly.

Daily – Set aside 15 minutes a day to catch up, plan the next day, or just chat. We do this right after dinner — while the kids clean up.

Weekly – Schedule a date weekly. This may be harder to do with budgets and child care, but don’t let that stand in your way. Make a plan to do something at home after the kids go to bed, or do a movie night.

Monthly – Make getting out of the house for a date a priority at least once a month. If you’re struggling for ideas, consider coming up with six ideas each and then choosing one each month, like we did. You can also focus on doing something the other person likes to do.

That’s it, the secret to finding or keeping the spark in your marriage. Reconnect with God and reconnect with your spouse. Don’t try to do these out of order, the order is important. You can’t reconnect with your spouse if you aren’t in a relationship with God. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Good marriages are hard. Bad marriages are hard. Choose your hard.